15 years a fool

~ Wife of a porn addict

Empty

I started taking Zoloft, almost a month ago, after breaking crying down in my new physicians office. I’ve been an anxious person for as long as I can remember, but in the last year or two it has become a nightmare. A nightmare that I don’t really feel like getting into right now.

I am only on 50 mg right now and have had minimal side effects – a couple anxious days here, a few night sweats – all manageable. However, I now feel kind of empty. I just don’t seem to care about anything right now. I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to do anything, my hobbies don’t interest me anymore. My favorite thing in the world right now is sleeping. I look forward to dreaming. The problem is, I’m not sure if it’s the meds or if I’ve finally just been broken enough to give up inside.

The reason I question if it’s the meds or not is because my feelings for my husband have changed. I’ve just stopped caring what he does. We sleep together, but I don’t want him to touch me. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like a switch was turned off inside me. I love him, except I love him like I love any other person. Intimate feelings are gone. I’m lonely. He used to be the one I wanted to be with when I was lonely. Now, I don’t.

I just don’t know anymore.

Resentful

That’s a good way to describe how I feel a lot of the time. I am resentful that it seems to be all about him. It’s the James show and everything revolves around him. I hate that I can’t be unhappy with anything because if any of us aren’t content and happy, then James feels worthless for not being able to provide the things we want. No matter how often I tell him that’s not the case at all it’s always ‘woe is me me me me me’.

James took it upon himself to make an appointment for therapy. He had one visit – just the initial set up/diagnosis stuff. He has spent every single day since then in a depressed and angry mood. Everyone is walking on eggshells right now because heaven forbid we upset him. And get this, he says to me that while I was filling out his paperwork there was this disclaimer section that basically says “Therapy makes you feel bad.” So that explains his funk. It really makes me think he’s using that as an excuse to be angry. Why? Why does he get to be the angry one?

I often question whether I am unreasonable and being selfish myself. Then he acts out and even though I am so very mad, so very upset, so very hurt – even though I feel cheated on and disrespected and not important enough to incite the changes he needs to make within himself.. I can’t. I can’t tell him off, I can’t yell at him, I can’t scream at him, I can’t tell him that the thought of lying in bed next to him makes my skin crawl because I care too much. I know it would destroy him and hurt him. So I won’t.

Speaking of sharing a bed. He asked me last night what it would take for him to get back into our bed. All I could do was shake my head. No. I told him that I let him back last time and he screwed it up. I just can’t. It’s been, what, a week? He’s gone to therapy once and that resulted in a gawd awful mood for 4 days. No. I can’t.

Grr Arg

I hate it when I don’t write a thought down right away and then I forget it. Something about a wall or something, ahh I can’t remember.

I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic lately. James won’t take the hint that I need my space. If I am in my bedroom with the door closed, it’s not an open invitation. He just walks in, sits on the bed and starts talking to me like normal. He asked me about our son’s birthday and what we are doing. I know it’s nervous chatter and I hate it.

Then he got on to what he was really trying to talk to me about. He asked me if it was normal to alter your memories. All I could say is that I don’t know what other people do, but I do not alter my memories and maybe this is why we get into so many arguments over what really happens half the time. He wants to talk and it irritates me. Just leave me alone already. Why can’t he understand me when I say I am done talking and working on this. This is not my problem anymore. I’ve worked at it and done my part dozens of times and it.is.not.working. If you want things to be different, make them different.

He also asked if I would go to a counselor with him. I’m struggling with whether or not I feel like a shitty person right now or not, but I said to him “I’m sorry, do I have a problem? I have enough stuff of my own to take care of. If you want to go to therapy, great.” He thinks it might help him talk to me. Is he accusing me of being difficult to talk to? Because  I feel like he is. Which is bull shit because it was my idea to do the twice weekly talks the LAST time this happened. I wanted to talk, but I had to drag everything out of him. Always.

Don’t come at me with nothing, bro

When James got home last night I was already tucked safely away in my bed. Unfortunately, he doesn’t take hints well and proceeded to push his way into the room anyway. I think he came in wanting to talk. I told him to feel free to, but I had nothing to say. He started out by saying “I’m sorry I fucked up again”. I think I hate these words just as much as his acting out. When he says these words all I picture is a dog who feels guilty for shitting on the floor, but only  because he was caught. A dog standing in the middle of the room tail firmly tucked between his legs, head down, eyes up. Yet, that same dog would have happily trotted through that pile of shit with a smile on his face if no one caught him.

He did very little actual talking. He stood in the middle of the room in silence for most of an hour. If this is what he considers talking, he is off to a bad start. Some choice phrases that he did manage to squeak out were – “I don’t think what you saw was what you think happened”. I.. uh.. not even sure what that meant so I told him I didn’t even know what the hell he was saying. To which he spouted of the next beauty – “Looking isn’t necessarily touching”. So, my porn addicted husband, who supposedly is in recovery, watched porn but it’s ok folks because he didn’t actually touch himself. I’m still stunned by the stupidity of people sometimes. I’m sorry, but show of hands.. how many of you would be OK with the viewing of porn just as long as he didn’t touch his penis? I’m going to confidently say, probably none of you.

Just about the only other thing he managed to choke out was “I’m scared and don’t know what to do”. I’m sorry, maybe you should have thought about that before you chose addiction over your family once again. I get it, it’s an addiction and maybe just maybe I should be a little more understanding of the fact that addictions are not easy to deal with. The problem, though, is you aren’t dealing with it like you don’t deal with anything else in your life. You expect things to magically fix themselves with little work on your part. Well, I can’t tell you what to do anymore. I can’t tell you how to make it up to me anymore. I’m done. I warned you that I wouldn’t be able to handle it again. I have got nothing for you. I can not be expected to actively work on trusting someone who isn’t putting the same effort into things. So, do what you gotta do but know that now it is all on you.

I have another problem with the situation, though. The time stamps for when he was looking at the porn. approximately 9:30am. Why is this a problem? 3 out of 4 of our darling spawn awake at the butt crack of dawn every day. I find it very unlikely that they were still asleep as he was watching this stuff.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am indifferent.

I didn’t get near enough sleep last night so this post is all over the place..

When James came to bed last night, or rather tried to, he was greeted by his pillow in the hallway. You would think he would have taken the hint, but nope.. he actually picked his pillow up, opened the bedroom door and tried to climb in bed with me. I don’t get it. Why would he think that is ok? Unless, he really has no clue why I’m mad and disconnected. Can people be that delusional? I mean that sincerely. Does he really not know that he’s been busted again or does he think that if I don’t flat out say it to his face it didn’t happen? I can’t be a part of his avoidance cycle anymore. I’ve exhausted all of my give a damn at this point. Simply being in the same room as him makes me want to claw my face off. The screwed up thing about that is I’ve had so many issues with my anxiety lately that I actually have clawed my face up so I am legitimately worried that I may start scratching up my face again.

The kids didn’t have school today so they’re home. Not sure if I am glad for that buffer or not. I’m sure he is. It gives him an excuse not to deal with anything. That’s okay. I’m done confronting him – to the point I want to spitefully hand him a roll of paper towels and a bottle of lube. Have at it buddy. Please, run free and be happy with your one true love – your penis.

I quit smoking over a year ago. For the first time in a very long time I am considering going to buy a pack of cigarettes. Smoking was always a good stress reliever. Odd considering it’s a stimulant.

I do not wear a mask

The ability to hide my emotions is non existent. What I feel shows. James can tell something is wrong. He’s been behaving peculiar for the last few hours. Standing around and fidgeting with everything, sitting on the couch oddly still.. just odd little behaviors like that. Now, whether or not he knows why I am pissed is a different question. I don’t believe it’s worth even saying anything anymore. It’ll be interesting to see if he actually comes to me with anything. I’m going to doubt it, though. It’s his nature to do what he wants then just wait it out until everything blows over.

Fuggit.

Whatever

I’ve been preparing to write a post about how people need to back off Anna Duggar for staying with her husband. About how not enough people actually work for their marriages anymore and at the first sign of distress flee the scene like a bank robber. About how Josh, even though he is a disgusting pig, needs support if he’s ever going to be capable of beating his addiction..

And then, on a whim, I picked up James’ phone and went through his internet history… where I found that this morning he was browsing porn once again. I am ashamed of myself now more than ever. The signs were emerging again. His complacency with everything. Why the hell do I get so delusional to think he will ever change? People don’t fucking change. My husband is and will always be a piece of shit porn addict.

Why do I bother fucking caring anymore? I’m sitting here writing this blog trying to help people and shit in my own life is a joke. You want my advice? – If your husband watching porn bothers you, leave him because it will always be more important than you and the sooner you accept that, the happier you will be.

Nothing like a little controversy…

Nothing like a little Ashley Madison controversy to stir everything back up again.

I’m sure that by now most people have heard about the hack on the famous website, Ashley Madison. You know, the one that guarantees an extramarital affair to those who will pay for it. Ashley Madison says that they had 40 million users at the time of the date breach. Let’s think about this, 40 million assholes out there are looking to be unfaithful to their spouses. This is unfathomably disgusting to me. While I realize that a certain number of these profiles are fake and set up to scam credit card numbers out of horny idiots, 1 member is too many. 40 million is mind blowing.

I think the biggest non personal issue I have with this is how many of these members are hard core conservatives who are currently shouting to anyone who will listen that it’s, in fact, homosexuality that is ruining the sanctity of marriage? So you are telling me ‘the gays’ put a gun to your head and forced you to sign up on all these cheating sites to solicit sexual relations with someone who isn’t your spouse? Yea, I don’t think so..

From a personal stand point, while reading up on the news I asked my husband if I would find his name in this data dump. He said he didn’t know. I’m pretty sure I would remember if I signed up on this site. Would you remember if you signed up on a cheating website?? Idiot. So, there are a handful of websites that you can enter in your email address and they will tell you if your “information has been compromised with this database breech”. Nothing more, just if your email address was involved. I entered his old email address and it wasn’t involved. The new one, however, definitely was involved. Meaning, his email address was used in conjunction with an account on this website. Unfortunately, Ashley Madison does not verify email addresses so anyone can sign up with any email. Do I think this is the case with him? Not for a minute. Do I think he may have signed up just to check it out and then found out that Ashley Madison won’t let you delete your account unless you pay them? This is a definite possibility. I am currently in the process of finding out just how much information the data dump has on him. Cycles.. it cycles I tell you. Everything is fine for a little while then I get smacked in the face again.

Yep.. still here.

I don’t know how many times I can make a short post saying “Don’t worry guys I’m still here!!”.

So yea, I am still here. I just randomly logged in today and saw that I apparently now have 23 followers. Holy crap, I’m sorry to leave you all hanging. Let me bust out a short update and then I have an idea.. stay tuned at the end of this post for it.

Addictions don’t just go away. You are never really cured of them. I know this because, while not exactly on the same level as a porn/masturbation addiction, I quit smoking about 9 months ago. Damn, I wish I had written that date down so I’d know for sure.
I no longer have monitoring software on James. I wish I did, just because I am self admittedly a control freak who wants to know everything, but I couldn’t justify the cost for glitchy software. Maybe I will research alternatives in the future. I still don’t exactly trust him, but I have relaxed a lot. I am not convinced he’s been 100% clean. His addiction is rooted far too deep for me to be so trusting. However, I do not have the energy to get involved in any fight about it right now. This doesn’t mean that I have just given up or become complacent. I can promise you if I come across any evidence accidently, there will be hell to pay. At some point, though, I have to stop actively looking for it.

That update being made.. Here’s what I want to do. I want you guys to ask me questions. Are you a spouse who needs advice? I am by no means a professional, but I can at least tell you what I would do. Are you an addict looking for a spouses point of view? Ask and you shall receive. It may not be what you want to hear, but it will always be the truth. So there you have it. Ask away.

I am here, I promise.

I am sorry that I just disappeared for a while. I couldn’t come up with anything new to write about. My story has some what stalled.

As far as I know, James has not acted out again. I don’t even know how many days it has been anymore. I don’t check up on him anymore, which in the past has ended with him acting out again. I have monitoring software on his phone and his old laptop, but I’m not really happy with it. For one, the company that designed the cell phone monitoring software has now made it necessary to inform the cell phone user that they are being monitored. To me that kind of defeats the purpose.. If he knows it’s there he’s not going to use that device to act out on. But then I think… am I just trying to set him up? The answer truly is no. No, I am not trying to entrap him. I am trying to ensure that even if he knows he won’t get caught, he still won’t do it. He got a new laptop and I haven’t installed the software on it. That program has always been a giant pain in my ass with constantly uninstalling itself. I only even got monitoring about half the time and some features just never worked at all. The license for both forms of software is up in December. I wish I knew of a better, but still affordable, program to use.

Anyway, like I said, as far as I know he – he hasn’t acted out. He still does things that trigger me and doesn’t understand why it upsets me so I don’t even bother telling him anymore.