When James got home last night I was already tucked safely away in my bed. Unfortunately, he doesn’t take hints well and proceeded to push his way into the room anyway. I think he came in wanting to talk. I told him to feel free to, but I had nothing to say. He started out by saying “I’m sorry I fucked up again”. I think I hate these words just as much as his acting out. When he says these words all I picture is a dog who feels guilty for shitting on the floor, but only because he was caught. A dog standing in the middle of the room tail firmly tucked between his legs, head down, eyes up. Yet, that same dog would have happily trotted through that pile of shit with a smile on his face if no one caught him.
He did very little actual talking. He stood in the middle of the room in silence for most of an hour. If this is what he considers talking, he is off to a bad start. Some choice phrases that he did manage to squeak out were – “I don’t think what you saw was what you think happened”. I.. uh.. not even sure what that meant so I told him I didn’t even know what the hell he was saying. To which he spouted of the next beauty – “Looking isn’t necessarily touching”. So, my porn addicted husband, who supposedly is in recovery, watched porn but it’s ok folks because he didn’t actually touch himself. I’m still stunned by the stupidity of people sometimes. I’m sorry, but show of hands.. how many of you would be OK with the viewing of porn just as long as he didn’t touch his penis? I’m going to confidently say, probably none of you.
Just about the only other thing he managed to choke out was “I’m scared and don’t know what to do”. I’m sorry, maybe you should have thought about that before you chose addiction over your family once again. I get it, it’s an addiction and maybe just maybe I should be a little more understanding of the fact that addictions are not easy to deal with. The problem, though, is you aren’t dealing with it like you don’t deal with anything else in your life. You expect things to magically fix themselves with little work on your part. Well, I can’t tell you what to do anymore. I can’t tell you how to make it up to me anymore. I’m done. I warned you that I wouldn’t be able to handle it again. I have got nothing for you. I can not be expected to actively work on trusting someone who isn’t putting the same effort into things. So, do what you gotta do but know that now it is all on you.
I have another problem with the situation, though. The time stamps for when he was looking at the porn. approximately 9:30am. Why is this a problem? 3 out of 4 of our darling spawn awake at the butt crack of dawn every day. I find it very unlikely that they were still asleep as he was watching this stuff.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I am indifferent.